I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
