Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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