last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
