I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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