I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
