I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
