No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
