We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
