You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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