fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
