saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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