Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
