A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
