So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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