I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
