I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
