whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
