Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
