I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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