$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
