Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
