i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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