A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
