He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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