he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
