i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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