If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Someone shit on the floor
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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