well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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