If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
