hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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