I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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