fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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