I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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