I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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