i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
two words: eviction party
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
