if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
