I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
