you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
