I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
