he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She bit a glass in half.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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