And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
