I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
