Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
