She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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