my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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