As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
