why didn't you poke me back
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
