I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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