He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
