the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
